Romance in the Tundra: A Love Story
by Shannon MacTavish
Summary: The tundra nights are cold and brutal...will the warmth of a toasty African American gentleman keep this battle-hardened veteran sweating? Of course ;D


AUTHORS: Shannon, Sammie

Soap wiped the diamond glistening sweat from his handsome brow, eyelashes fluttering like bee wings in the snowy tundra of tundra snow. "I am so lonesome," he thought in Scottish. "If only I had a warm, African American lad to keep me warm in the snowy tundra nights."

And hark! A chocolate angel in the snow, the shimmering flakes swirling about him like a halo and very long scarf. His lips were like two browned peaches, his eyes were like albino olives, and his scent like spiced chicken. Seeing Soap, his eyes widened. Maddened by the snow's angelic powder flakes, he yelled yellingly "YO WHITEY, YOU STEAL MY CHICKEN?"

Soap's baby blue azure eye-spheres gasped in shock at Foley's harsh, yelling scream. He turned beautifully, looking at the African man-goddess in his huge, plate-shaped eye sockets.

"I...I...your...chi...ken?..." he suttered, quite handsome.

"MAH FAWKIN CHEEKIN" Foley yellow hostile-y. He ran up to Soap and shook his cracker shoulders, making a strangled chortleing Pterodactyl noise.

"SCREEEEEEE" he screed, biting onto Soap's nose.

Soap was greatly enbonered by Foley's handsome love-bite, shuddering gently. His globe-shaped eyes blinked rapidly like a blinking hummingbird cherub.

Foley then proceeded to peck Soap with his massive beak and let out another scree. Then he felt very self conscious because the harsh tundra winds tore off all his clothes sensually.

"Oh" he said, then pulling out an entire gym and working out upside down whilst rapping.

Soap's globes flew out of his eye holes and boomeranged back around Foley's sweaty mocha coffee body-like physique and back into his mohawk-adorned cranium.

"You are such a man Foley, let me introduce you to my squad." He picked up his communication animal. "Hey squad, come meet my man-goddess. Oot."

"Is that P. Diddy?" Ghost asked questionably, adjusting his glasses or lack there of cause we never see his face. "I bought his album last Tuesday y'all biscuitheads." he said. "Good album bro."

Foley looked at him staringly, not sure how to react.

Soap had no idea Foley was P. Diddy and disagreed. "That's not P. Diddy ya muppet, it's George Washington Carver." he exhaled a ragefully-disappointed sigh into Ghost's bemasked face. "You are a racist pig, I'm demoting you to butt private."

Ghost shrieked sadly and died at the thought.

Then General Shepard showed up and gleamed in boyish excitement.

"Is that Peacey P?" He asked with a snaking body. "I loooove the Peacey P!"

"No..." Foley said Africanishly.

"Oh hey, is that Martin Luther King Jr? I thought you were dead!" Cried Roach estatically as he hugged Dr. King. Foley pried himself from Roach, looking angry at racists.

"I'm leaving" he said, grabbing Soap with his toe-claw talons and flying to his nest.

Soap loved being carried and once again began to be enbonered yet again. When they arrived to Foley's nest, Soap flapped his muscles and eagerly awaited for his meal of hot, hot, hot, hot corpulation.

Foley then proceeded to pick up sticks in his mouth and build up his nest. He ignored Soap and did not feed his chickling as he worked, ignoring the angry lumberjacks at the bottom of the tree. They were stars of the hit show Axe Men on Travel Channel or Discovery Planet. "Is that Soulja Boy nesting" asked one buffly.

"IT'S WASHINGTON CARVER YOU MUPPETS" Shrieking with rage, Soap sniped the lumberjacks while a single tear plotted a course down his cheek. "I'm sorry George Washington Carver I just...the racism in this world...it's not kawaii." 

"Ok." Said Foley, flying off with the Americanness and intensity of a bald eagle pterodactyl. Letting out a majestic cry he flew across the Triassic, avoiding jumping T-Rexes. An hour later he flew back with another black guy.

"Soap, this is my son Kofi."

"Yo" Kofi said club-fighterly, being shirtless as well as black. "I had been beating male underwear models. One's name was Caramel...Marzelle...Chantelle..." He pondered ponderingly.

"Oh wow what a coincidence, that's my favorite male underwear model, Marzel Montgomery Dominic Garnet I. He's such a man and has great nipples." Soap drooled with rage-filled lust. "Anyway you never told me you had a son Georgy. And it's Samuel L. Jackson! I loved him in 'The Phantom Menace.'"

"He's a pussy." Kofi said angrily, wiping white people blood from his fists and muscles. "But he does have nice nipples."

"Actually he's not Samuel L. Jackson." Foley said, rubbing down his leathery wings w/lotion. "Speaking of whities, I think the white guy you beat is down there."

Kofi angrily peered over his dad's nest, at the man below.

"Nani! Marzel Montgomery Dominic Garnet I?" Soap jumped his head off the nest to gaze upon his nipples. Marzel stood on the ground in some Calvin Klein briefs.

"Gggggggggggoh." Kofi said annoyedly, jumping from the nest and landing on Marzel. "Mo fawka" He grunted.

"DON'T TOUCH ME YOU'LL MESS UP MY NIPPLES" MARZEL SCREAMEED LOUDLY IN A WHISPER. He protected his nipples with tiny Spartan shields that he took from Gerard Butler's basement. Soap squeed very kawaii. "Oh my Scotland Marzel Montgomery Dominic Garnet I! I (heart) U!"


End file.
